"Robbie knew how hard this life was going to be especially to survive the teenage years when you have to be so closeted because of what society says."

FEBRUARY 21, 1997

GAY PEOPLe's ChroniCLE

19

DOREEN CUDNIK

mother an elaborate story about being “black-» began taking his first steps mailed" as a way to explain.

"At this point, I didn't suspect that he was gay, because he was saying that this man blackmailed him. He was crying telling me this story," Leslie said.

First suicide attempt

Whether it was the shame he felt about the discovery of the downloaded images, his ongoing battle with depression, or that he was really in over his head with the Internet, during the next few months, Robbie began to sink deeper and deeper into despair.

On February 24, 1996, two days after his fourteenth birthday, Robbie attempted suicide for the first time. He took thirty Tylenol pain capsules and went to sleep. In a suicide note left at the time, he wrote: "Whatever you find, I'm not gay.”

Only Robbie knows what happened in the month since he wrote the letter saying he loved AOL, and the next letter dated February 26 where he told Jenine that he had tried to commit suicide. Whatever it was, it frightened him.

Robbie wrote, "The reason why I tried to kill myself was because of stuff that happened that would take a novel to fill. I'll tell you a shortened version: 1. Every day now I fear for my life. 2. I fear on-line. 3. Something weird is going on with me and God— I don't like church masses [but] I still have faith in God."

He added Numbers] one and two are connected

John Kirkland remembers that the situation definitely got complicated as soon as the Internet came into play.

"I'm involved with investigations of

'You see, everyone in our school is homophobic (including me)."

-Robbie Kirkland

people who entice both boys and girls through the Internet. Unfortunately, it's very common. I tried to explain to Robbie that people will try to get you to do all kinds of things through the Internet. But you can't be with a kid 24 hours a day."

Leslie began what would be an ongoing struggle with her son about his Internet usage, and considered cutting him off completely. "Right from the beginning, he was going on-line more than we allowed. It's almost like he was addicted to the computer and on-line," she said. "I know now that he going into these gay chat rooms."

was

On March 29, about a month after the Tylenol incident, Robbie ran away from home.

"He had somebody's number from online," his mom said. “He took a bus to Chicago, but because he wasn't street smart, he got scared and turned himself in." Robbie had been gone less than 24 hours when John Kirkland flew to Chicago to retrieve him.

According to his father, Robbie offered no rational explanations for his actions during the ride home, but instead "gave whatever reason he thought he could get away with.” "It was very frustrating to us,” John said. "I think he said what he thought would work So people would get off his butt about the real reasons."

Slowly, tentatively coming out

Clearly, Robbie's trip to Chicago alerted both his parents that their son was in serious trouble. His computer privileges were cut off, and shortly thereafter, he began seeing a therapist. Slowly and tentatively, Robbie

out of the closet, and his family began taking their first steps towards understanding.

Leslie describes her first reaction to Robbie's attempt to come out as denial. "I asked the therapist, 'What's going on here? Is he just confused?' And the therapist said, 'No, he's gay'."

Robbie's mother, Leslie Sadasivan

Slowly, Leslie moved towards acceptance and asked the therapist to recommend some resources for her son. "I said to the therapist, 'I don't care if my son's gay-I want him to be what God meant him to be'."

Robbie's journey towards understanding and accepting his homosexuality was not an issue for his dad.

"I was not going to lose my son over it," John said. "I told him honestly, 'Some people are not going to like you because of this,

Rob,' and he already knew that. I told him, 'If you were out dealing drugs, or hurting people, or robbing people, then you and I would have big problems. But I'm not going to have a problem with you over something like this. If it's what you are, it's what you are'."

His sisters and his parents all tried to let Robbie know that they loved him just the way he was. "However," John said, "he had a tougher time accepting it himself."

Leslie recalled a conversation last May in which Robbie's therapist explained to her that being gay was not something Robbie was happy about. "He said that Robbie knew how hard this life was going to be espe cially to survive the teenage years when you have to be so closeted because of what society says."

"I remember sitting down with him on the floor in his bedroom. I held his hand and said, 'Robbie, I am so very sorry. I didn't understand that this was not something you're happy about'."

Leslie apologized to her son and told him that she loved him. "From then on I had a better understanding of what a struggle this was for him," she said.

Said no to support groups

Last summer, between eighth and ninth grade, Robbie found a way to get back online. He used a password that belonged to the father of his best friend, Christopher Collins, one of the few peers that Robbie told his secret to. Like Robbie's family, Christopher was open to the news.

“I just accepted it and decided not to stop being friends with him just because of one aspect of his personality,” Christopher said.

Christopher's father stopped Robbie's access when he got the bill. Robbie paid him back for the on-line time and apologized for what he had done. Once again cut off from the computer, he began making calls to gay 900-number adult entertainment lines.

When his mother confronted him about the phone bill, again Robbie was apologetic.

"He was always very sorry,” Leslie said. “Everything else in his life had always been honest and decent-I always trusted him. This behavior was uncharacteristic for him. This was the one thing that he felt he had to lie about because it was part of his expression of being gay.”

Leslie suggested having a gay friend come over and talk to Robbie, and offered to take him to PRYSM, a support group for gay, lesbian and bisexual youth. Robbie said no to both. "I think he was fearful that his cover would be blown," Leslie said.

Macho culture in high school

After graduating from the eighth grade, Leslie let Robbie choose which high school he wanted to attend. He tested well enough to

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be offered a full scholarship to St. Edward High School in Lakewood, not far from his father's home. Instead, he chose St. Ignatius High School, a Jesuit preparatory school in Cleveland's near west side, known for its academic excellence as well as its championship football program.

"He wanted to be a writer, and he felt that St. Ignatius was the best," Leslie said. Choosing Ignatius also meant he would be going to school with Christopher Collins, and since Robbie had been having problems, Leslie felt that it would be best for him to be around at least one friend. Each day began with getting the boys off to school, and Leslie and Christopher's mom Sharon took turns making the 40-minute trek into the city.

Robbie's oldest sister Danielle is a sophomore at Miami University in Oxford. She remembered her women's studies instructor, Marcie Knopf, coming out to the class on the first day, and asked her about resources for Robbie.

"One of Danielle's biggest concerns was that she had gone to an all-girls Catholic high school, and she had a sense that for Robbie, entering the ninth grade at a Catholic allboys high school was a really dangerous and scary thing," Knopf said.

"I'm familiar with the atmosphere at St. Ignatius," Danielle said. "They're very homophobic and driven by masculinity. The few guys that I did know that were gay had to really make a statement about it in order to survive. If a guy's sexuality was called into question, it was a very big deal. I just didn't think that it would be good atmosphere for [Robbie]."

Danielle was also concerned that Robbie always "had more girl friends than guy friends, and he wouldn't have them there."

Robbie's other sister Claudia, a senior at Magnificat High School in Rocky River, was

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(614) 299-7764 (937) 274-1776

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also well aware of what her younger brother might be up against. She made the senior St. Ignatius boys that she knew promise not to harass Robbie.

"I told them, "He's nice, he's sensitive, don't be mean to him"."

An unfortunate crush

Unfortunately, though, Claudia could not make all Ignatius boys promise to be nice to her brother, and one in particular made his life miserable.

"Robbie had a crush on a boy who was a jock, a football player,” his mother said. "This kid was not gay and this kid teased him."

According to Claudia, Robbie knew better than to tell this boy about his crush. “He never really said much about it," she said "He told me he had a crush on [this boy], but said that he knew he couldn't tell him or do anything about it.” He indicated that knew he was in for a long four years when he said to Claudia, "You know, it's hard to be gay at St. Ignatius."

Besides Christopher, Robbie had told two other Ignatius boys that he was gay. News tends to travel in any high school.

Rejected by the church

The family continued to stay involved in Robbie's coming out process, reading books that had been recommended by Knopf. They got in touch with Cleveland area resources for gay and lesbian youth and their families, and planned on looking into a church that would accept Robbie just the way he was. Robbie had begun to express his displeasure with the Catholic church. Whether or not he was aware that the catechism of the Catholic church had declared his desires Continued on page 22